Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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