Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
