remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
