you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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