i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
