I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
