i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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