I'm eating all of the evidence.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
