I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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