I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
