The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
