think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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