Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You ruined the universe
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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