wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
