well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize