I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize