Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
