I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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