Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
