Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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