whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
