Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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