dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
