So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
