He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
