so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
