Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
