Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
