I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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