I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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