I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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