Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
