I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
