I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
