I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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