So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
