I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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