After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
