Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
