I'm gonna have a badass scar
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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