Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
