Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
