Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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