Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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