Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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