I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
