Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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