new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize