so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize