Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
