I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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