I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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