You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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