Michael Bay diarrhea
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
