I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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