how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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