I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
