coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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